By Dalton Del Don – Fantasy Loser
When I woke up this morning, there was a feeling in my stomach like a close family member had died. I hate fantasy football. Luck is so much more involved than in fantasy baseball or basketball. Forget that my team easily scored the most in the league, and I barely made the playoffs, now it’s the postseason, and nothing else matters.
Going into Monday night with Chicago defense, Jeff Wilkins and a 6-point lead against Steven Jackson, the suspense was more than palpable. If my neighbors didn’t call the cops, it’s good to know I can get away with murder and not have to worry about those silly consequences, because at times, I was a little too worked up for a 24-year-old man. 24-year-old boy is more appropriate. You see, after 14 weeks of constant tinkering, trading and emotional involvement, it all came down to three hours of hell.
Damn, three important Bears’ starters on D are out, but they have carried me all year, and St. Louis’ offensive line acts like a sieve. Then again, Marc Bulger called out Alex Barron and Richie no longer Incognito during the week, and it’s a home team on Monday night football playing the conference’s best team – this is the Rams’ Super Bowl.
It’s 4 p.m. and ESPN’s SportsCenter announces that Bulger “expects to check down even more than usual tonight,” – awesome. How did it come to this, you ask? Well, my deft acquisition of Antonio Gates two weeks ago (for Andre Johnson and Ben Watson), which was criticized at the time, proved genius when the best tight end in football put up a huge game Sunday. All week long I was going to start Vince Young over Carson Palmer – Oakland’s pass D is for real, their offense can’t score, Rudi Johnson all day, Prince Vince’s homecoming, but ultimately, I didn’t have the balls. Young outscored Palmer by 5.7 points. Still, after starting Julius Jones over Marion Barber last week, my opponent went the opposite route this week – I should consider myself lucky.
Back to Monday night, scoreless first quarter, things look good. That is until a 99-yard drive opens the second quarter. The MNF crew announces this is the third 99-yard drive in the NFL over the last 134 years (we count yardage against in our league). Wait a minute, Steven Jackson is stuffed at the goal line, and Torry Holt gets the TD, so it could have been worse. Um, Jeff Wilkins then goes and misses the extra point on a bad snap. Wilkins hits PATs at a 99.4 percent clip throughout his career – ominous to be sure.
What’s this, Devin Hester returns the kickoff 94 yards to the house!!! Back in business. Too bad this also meant St. Louis gets the ball back immediately, which results in a 72-yard drive ending in a Steven Jackson score. Someone bludgeon me, seriously, it looks like Chicago sent their JV squad tonight. The extra point is up and good. Did I mention the Rams went for it on fourth down earlier in the drive? So instead of a Wilkins field goal, we get an S-Jax TD. Speaking of Wilkins, he shanks a 48 yarder to bring the first half to a close right after the MNF crew flashes a statistic stating he’s the NFL’s current active leader in FG percentage. This is fun.
What’s this? Steven Jackson is down on the ground long enough to cut to a commercial break. Now I know it’s wrong to openly root for injuries, so I assume it’s probably not right to be praying his calf is torn. Damn, they are massaging it, a classic sign of just cramps. He’s off to the locker room and doesn’t return for the next series – I haven’t been this excited since I heard Britney Spears was flashing her goods all over town. If you expect an injury update by the three stooges, well, you just haven’t been watching MNF this year. At this point, I’d rather see Stephen Davis than a naked Jessica Alba.
OK injury update time – on Leonard Little! Now this is just torture. When the next drive commences, and I see Jackson in the backfield (at least the dreads made that part easy), I haven’t been this disappointed since I actually saw Britney Spears’ goods. Torry Holt’s fourth quarter touchdown, along with 89-yard and 73-yard drives, meant I was officially down. No way Wilkins gets a FG chance with the score, so unless I get three turnovers and Jackson breaks his leg, my season is done. Fighting back tears, I hear Mike Tirico use a tone usually reserved for sexually harassing female coworkers and look up; low and behold, Devin Hester is off to the races again, taking yet another one to the crib!
I want to have Hester’s children. Since the Rams already have 750 total yards and 20 points, I can only lose a finite amount of points in those categories. It’s Steven Jackson and four points between me and Week 15. This son of a bitch now has 54 catches over the last five weeks. And how does he find the time to also have a rap career on the side? Anyway, it’s fourth and five and my season on the line and, for the second time in the game, the Bears jump offsides. Followed by a Jackson touchdown where he carries six guys on his back like he’s superhuman.
It was the first 2-TD game of the year for Jackson. It was the lowest scoring game of the year for Wilkins. If I had started Vince Young, I would have won by 0.3 points. I hate life. Fantasy football has given me clinical depression, and I can’t wait till next season starts.
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